How I (Barely) Got Through This Weekend

I can lie and say I managed to get by all on my own.

I didn’t.

I don’t know if I would even consider it getting by.

I spent this weekend mostly in bed, watching videos and sleeping. I just stayed couped up in my own misery and when I thought about how miserable I was, I’d cry.

Saturday: I woke up at around 7:30am. Overwhelmed with anxiety about my swimmer’s ear. Convinced myself I had tinnitus. Begged my therapist for a session that same day. Tried desperately to keep myself distracted. Looked out the window and thought about going outside, but I never actually did. Emailed around 4-5 psychiatrists in the hopes of seeing one either that same day or come Monday. Then began to wonder if Monday would ever come. What a long weekend. Oh boy. Is that tinnitus? Is it? Is it? Maybe I should stop googling. Oh god, how am I supposed to get through the rest of this day?! It’s only 4:30pm. Oh god. Fuck, this is the most impossible thing. Ugh, what a headache. Oh god.

Sunday @ 4:30am: Well, I guess that’s the end of my sleeping. Maybe I can get through this. maybe if I have faith. No…I need help. I need help. I desperately need help. (I texted a friend and asked him if we could go to the library together that day, since he was planning on studying anyway and I needed the company to stay sane and get me out of the house). Around 9am, my friend texts me back, worried, and has me come over for breakfast. He stays with me until night, when I head home to sleep. Thank god. I got through the day. No overwhelming sounds or pains. No overwhelming anxiety. God, talking some of that out sure helped.

And that brings us to this morning. Waking up and thinking I hear a ringing in my ear. Then I realize the ringing isn’t coming from my left ear, it’s coming from my head. Focus. Wait, no! Don’t focus! Distract! Distract! That’s basically been what I’ve been thinking all day. I’ve been trying to distract myself and of course I always end up focusing on my left ear again. There was a moment in time, maybe a solid hour even, where there was absolutely no extra sounds. Until I focused the ringing into existence. Now my left ear feels extremely sensitive, as if I’ve played the highest frequency noise right into it the whole day. Now my head hurts. I can’t focus. I’m listening to anti-anxiety music in an effort to make the headache go away. I’m afraid to turn off the music in case I reimagine the ringing in my ear. Even writing about it now is making me worry and focus on it. Oh god. But let’s look at the bright side: I got 2 psychiatry appointments. One on the 29th and another on the 4th of February. I’ve only kept the latter appointment, because it’s the first one that got back to me and technically the former appointment hasn’t been confirmed by the clinic. Success! Thank God I asked for help. Not to sound like I’m desperate for drugs, but I truly cannot wait to see if I can find something that will help me cope with my existence.

Here’s to hoping. Really, truly.